Category Archives: Uncategorized

26 March, 2013 · 9:48 am

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

GI-Joe-RetaliationHarder. Faster. Um, realer. That’s the PR spiel supporting this delayed big screen follow-up.

It’s a sequel few were demanding, but fewer still can ignore, especially with The Rock plastered all over the posters, dangling there like a dumbbell-loving carrot for fanboys who scoffed at Stephen Sommers’ ludicrous G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra.

You don’t cast The Rock for his sentimentality, and sure enough Retaliation has all the emotional range of a lobotomized goldfish. Sweating and straining his way through a dizzying number of scuffles, The Rock mainlines adrenaline for Retaliation’s rat-a-tat set-pieces, all of them as absurd as those of its predecessor – and, in one city-levelling jaw-dropper, even more so.

Can’t remember much about the 2009 original? No worries; an opening set of Top Trumps deals out the heroes and villains for you. Because, yes, everything in Retaliation is calibrated to snare a 13-year-old’s attention span and the story, such as it is, acts as little more than a limp washing line on which to peg those incendiary set-pieces.

The basics: Channing Tatum-led super-soldiers the G.I. Joes are framed for the assassination of the Pakistani President and outlawed. While evil outfit Cobra is put in its place, the Joes – among them Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson) and Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) – attempt to put the world to rights.

Naturally, that involves ridiculously-stylish undercover clobber, fist-fights with B-villains Firefly (Ray Stevenson) and Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee), and Lady Jaye going for the jug-ular with a cleavage that could cause a serious injury. Oh, and in a second act upswing, recruiting original G.I. Joe Colton, played by a Bruce Willis…

Retaliation is an apt subtitle for a franchise fighting to stay afloat despite overwhelming bad will. To his credit, director Jon M. Chu (Step Up 2: The Streets) turns in a 3D post-conversion (the official reason for his film’s nine month release bump) that genuinely elevates the material, not least during a heart-in-throat Himalaya scrap that steals the show.

Otherwise, the film’s flatter than a nuked London. The banter lands awkwardly and the action’s all blaze, no bruise. Back-stories are reduced to hurried back-sentences.

And The Rock? He’s easily outshone by this actioner’s surprise golden goose: Jonathan Pryce. As the compromised US President, he’s catty and compelling, playing Angry Birds during a nuclear strike and boasting about hanging out with Bono… 2/5

Verdict:
“Rock solid,” is Bruce Willis’ nod-wink appraisal of an attack strategy in G.I. Joe: Retaliation. The film’s nowhere near as sturdy, trundling out middling action and nonsensical plotting.

Via Total Film

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14 February, 2013 · 11:32 am

A Good Day To Die Hard (2013)

A Good Day To Die HardCRASH! BANG! WALLOP! If you’re considering sitting down with A Good Day To Die Hard, you’ll want to get acquainted with those sounds first – this fifth entry in the franchise is loud, daft and in love with Big Movie Explosions™. But then, isn’t that what Die Hard has always been about?

“I’m on fucking vacation,” gripes John McClane (Bruce Willis) midway through AGDTDH. He’s just landed in Moscow in search of wayward son Jack (Jai Courtney), who’s become involved in some kind of political warfare. Before John has a chance to mumble one “yippee-ki-yay”, he’s pinched a jeep and chased Jack down a busy highway, leaving destruction in his wake.

That vacation quip’s a funny one, except it represents everything that’s wrong with AGDTDH. For a start, it’s factually inaccurate. John, of course, isn’t in Russia on holiday – we’re told right from the start that he’s there to rescue Jack from his mess (only to make things even messier). It’s the kind of small-detail cock-up that AGDTDH consistently fudges; it’s not a film interested in details – so much so that we’re barely given an explanation of the villain’s motivations before things start exploding again.

It’s also a gag that’s repeated ad nauseum throughout the film, like so many other repetitive beats (the exploding cars, the smashed windows, the weary one-liners). Still, it’s hard to hate a film so belligerently set to ‘thrill’. That central car chase is a doozy, and whatever you think of director John Moore, he ensures the film looks great – scuzzy, Bourne-like, beautifully lit. If ever there was an example of pure ‘check brain at door’ cinema, AGDTDH is it.

A journo friend called McClane’s latest outing a “rice cake” of a film – there’s absolutely nothing nourishing about it, but you gobble it up anyway. It’s true. AGDTDH isn’t a particularly good action film (though it’s leagues ahead of the woeful Jack Reacher), but this late in the game, McClane still commands such affection that you’ll forgive him his shortcomings. Besides, who wants details when you’ve got John McClane going up against an armed helicopter? 2.5/5

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5 February, 2013 · 9:16 am

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Hansel And Gretel Witch HuntersIf you go down to the woods today… Well, don’t. You’re likely to find some wizened old hag living in a gingerbread house. That’s what happens to young Hansel and Gretel who, as the Brothers Grimm fairytale goes, incinerate the witch in her oven and live to fight another day. Literally, according to Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, as the ‘hero orphans’ grow up to roam the land in skin-tight bondage gear, kicking ass.

In the woods near Augsburg, Germany, something’s hunting children. These aren’t the rhapsodic woods of Terrence Malick’s imaginings – they’re positively stuffed with scabby-chinned witches.

Which is where strapping Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and whip-tongued Gretel (Gemma Arterton) come in, hired by the Mayor of Augsburg to take out Grand Witch Muriel (Famke Janssen) before the Blood Moon rises. If only Janssen could stop over-acting long enough for them to lop off her head.

Complicating matters is swaggering Sheriff Berringer (Peter Stormare, barking every line), who doesn’t like the idea of the heroes swooping in to save his town, and sends his own murderous posse to get rid of them.

Cue blood-splattered skirmishes in which Dead Snow director Tommy Wirkola demonstrates he’s still unafraid of the red stuff, but has no clue how to stage an edgy stand-off.

That lack of tension hobbles the entire film, not least in a studio-bound climactic witch-fight that feels like a lost scene from Xena: Warrior Princess.
The world Wirkola creates doesn’t make a jot of sense – our not-so-terrific twosome trade in oddly futuristic weaponry and for all the gore and F-bombs, H&G:WH feels too simplistic to be anything other than a kids’ film.

Shame; as a concept, it’s airtight: with Will Ferrell producing and Wirkola keen to inject more blood into Hollywood horror, this seemed primed for a good old-fashioned B-horror bum-kicking.

Instead of delivering a fairytale Evil Dead, though, Wirkola’s film stakes out similar terrain to 2012’s po-faced Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, bleeding its premise into a husk that’s devoid of life or humour.

It’s disappointing considering the strength of Wirkola’s amusingly barmy Dead Snow. Sadly, the Norwegian joins a long line of European filmmakers who’ve upped sticks to Hollywood, only to lose their verve along the way. By the time Janssen hisses, “The end is nigh”, you’ll be praying she’s speaking the truth.

Verdict: Though it gives good splat and the scenery’s to die for, Hansel & Gretel gets just about everything wrong. Hammy, boring, chronically unfunny – there’ll be nightmares before bedtime. 2/5

Via Total Film

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25 January, 2013 · 4:37 pm

Movie 43 (2013)

movie 43Quite why A-listers Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman and Emma Stone (among others) aligned themselves with this excruciatingly moronic compilation of shorts is anybody’s guess.

Dealing in piss, poo and period gags that your little brother outgrew by 15, Movie 43 follows three kids as they scour the internet for the elusive (and very possibly made-up) flick of the title.

As their search vomits up one cringe-worthy skit after another, Movie 43 amounts to little more than filmic self-flagellation for all involved.

Winslet’s on a date with Jackman, only there’s something wrong with his neck. Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber home tutor their teenager, but get it all wrong. Anna Faris proposes to Chris Pratt, but not how he expected.

And in Movie 43’s maddest offering, Johnny Knoxville gives Seann William Scott a leprechaun (played by Gerard Butler) for his birthday.

As the fake tits, genitalia jokes and (literal) excrement pile up, the most shocking thing is that not once during Movie 43’s four year production did producer/director Peter Farrelly stop to consider that, just maybe, his film was about as funny as losing your virginity to your own mum. (Yes, this actually happens in Movie 43.)

Worst of all, Farrelly’s film just never knows when to give up, subjecting audiences not only to a never-ending credits sequence gag reel, but yet another post-credits short starring Elizabeth Banks. She gets pissed on by a cartoon cat.

Expect Movie 43’s only genuinely funny moments – two faux ads for Tampax and children enslaved to a life working inside cash machines – to end up on YouTube in the near future.

For everybody else, though, this is a great, huge stinker of an embarrassment on their CV. “It makes you shit out your intestines,” warns JJ (Adam Cagley) right at the beginning. He’s not far off.

Verdict:

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first turkey of 2013. Squandering a gold-star cast and as tasteless as a foam dog poo, Movie 43 deserves not one of your hard-earned pennies. Expect it to sweep next year’s Golden Raspberry awards – it deserves every single one of them. 1/5

Via Total Film

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· 4:24 pm

Piranha (1978)

PiranhaOf all the films released in the 1970s that retrospectively raged against the Vietnam War (The Deer Hunter, Apocalypse Now, Taxi Driver), perhaps the least likely was Piranha.

Made for buttons (well, $770,000) over 30 days, its B-horror status didn’t stop it taking a swipe at that conflict.

That it did so by serving up fishy Brazilian carnivores, bred as finny weapons to infiltrate Vietnamese waters, is merely par for the course in a Roger Corman production.

In director Joe Dante’s own words, Piranha is a “semi-political, semi-spoof science-fiction movie”. In reality it’s a schlocky, low-budget cash-in greenlit to surf the Jaws wave. Exhibit A: the opening scare, in which a pair of backpackers take a midnight dip, only to be dragged under the reddening surface.

Exhibit B: a nutty team of hunters in bumbling insurance investigator Maggie McKeown (Heather Menzies) and booze-loving Paul Grogan (Bradford Dillman), who attempt to prevent a voracious school of piranhas from chowing down on summer camp kiddies and theme park revellers.

If Jaws was a rounded paternal drama dressed up as a monster movie, Piranha is pure, galumphing beast. Menzies and Dillman make a fun double act but most impressive is just how far Dante pushes that horror handle. Though the gore is mostly limited to foaming red water, Dante’s fishy fiends chomp on anyone and everyone (including the nippers).

The newbie director also pinched a few tricks from Spielberg’s film, namely the palpable tension whenever anybody dunks a toe in something wet. And there are glimmers of that distinctive Dante humour throughout: “What about the goddamn piranhas?” yells theme park owner Dick Miller. “They’re eating the guests, sir,” comes the reply.

Cheap-looking and predictable, Piranha’s premise remains irresistible. How else do you explain two remakes (one of them made for TV) in 30 years? Alexandre Aja’s 2010 reboot upped the camp, meaning Dante’s film feels quainter, its humour gentler.

It’s anything but dead in the water though. That chewy Vietnam subtext keeps things swimming, while at the film’s ominous close the corrupt Dr Mengers (Barbara Steele) attempts to reassure us “there’s nothing left to fear”.

Not until James Cameron’s angst-ridden Piranha II took flight, that is… 3/5

Via Total Film

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· 4:18 pm

The Last Stand (2013)

The Last StandArnold Schwarzenegger’s just hurtled through a café door and landed in a heap. “How are you, sheriff?” asks the owner, peering over the counter. “Old,” huffs Arnie as he creaks into frame. No kidding. Nigh on a decade after his last lead role (in Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines), the Austrian Oak’s finally lumbered back into cinemas. He’s older. He’s bigger. His hair’s somewhat thinner. But, really, it’s like he’s never been away.

Ray Owens (Schwarzenegger) is whiling out his twilight years in sleepy farm town Sommerton Junction. As we meet him, sock-free and noticeably scruffy, he’s about to take a much-needed few days off. “Should be a quiet weekend,” Arnie muses, somehow unaware that he’s in a movie starring himself, which means quiet is the last thing on the menu.

Sure enough, Sommerton Junction turns out to be the meeting place of escaped con Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) and his gun-loving gang, which is headed by slithering mercenary Burrell (Peter Stormare). Cortez is roaring towards the Mexican border in a swish Corvette ZR1, and his gang are preparing safe passage for him through Owens’ town into Mexico. Meanwhile, FBI Agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker) is on Cortez’s trail – but can he reach him in time?

This first hour of The Last Stand is easily its weakest. Short on laughs, low on Arnie, it’s too busy introducing characters we have no interest in to give us what we really want – Schwarzenegger. Any Schwarzenegger will do, especially after the teasing likes of the Expendables movies, which only featured him as a supporting player. But despite mildly diverting thrills in an impressive (if implausible) jail bust and numerous car-related action kicks, director Kim Jee-woon’s first English-language film feels as weary as Arnie often looks.

Thankfully, that all changes once our favourite Austrian is let off the leash, and around the hour mark, The Last Stand transforms on a dime into something unexpectedly, uproariously entertaining. When Burrell and his men storm Sommerton Junction, they’re surprised to find it’s not only ready for them, but armed to the hilt. The ensuing orgy of mayhem delivers hilariously gory deaths, bloodshed aplenty and just a few of those patented Arnie one-liners.

We’re not kidding ourselves, though. Arnie’s heyday came and went with the 1980s, and it’s unlikely he’ll ever reach the thrilling heights of that muscle-busting run again. After seven years playing California Governor, though, Arnie still knows how to deliver a good time (there’s even a moment of shiver-inducing acting from the guy as he mourns a dead colleague), and he looks thoroughly comfortable back up there on the big screen. “This is my home,” he says near The Last Stand’s close. Welcome home, Arnie. 3/5

Via Grolsch Film Works

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· 4:11 pm

I Give It A Year (2013)

I Give It A YearWeddings in movies often surface as portents of doom, whether it’s mobster carnage (The Godfather), personal meltdown (Bridesmaids) or brain-bludgeoning banality (Bride Wars).

Brave, then, for Borat writer Dan Mazer to open his directorial debut with a nuptial ceremony. As you’d expect from the man who helped Sacha Baron Cohen concoct naked-wrestling gags, it’s a grimly funny affair (buoyed by un-PC best man Stephen Merchant), signalling that couple Nat (Rose Byrne) and Josh (Rafe Spall) could be destined for a very unhappy ever after.

It’s clear that these two aren’t exactly made for each other, anyway. She’s a high-strung PR. He’s a housebound writer. While attending sessions with a mad-hatter marriage counsellor (enter a scene-snaffling Olivia Colman), Nat’s eye is drawn by  dashing American client Guy (Simon Baker), while Josh finds old feelings fanned by ex-beau Chloe (Anna Faris). Agreeing to, yep, give it a year, the newlyweds could have quite a challenge on their hands.

Set after the point where most romcoms wrap up, the irreverent IGIAY wants to mess with the genre. On the downside, Byrne is stuck playing the straight gal to Spall’s klutz, meaning the latter ends up with the lion’s share of laughs. Not that the ladies miss out – Minnie Driver is hysterical as Nat’s husband-hating big sis, and Faris’ bedroom set-piece is brilliantly bonkers.

In a film with obvious ambition, though, it’s a shame that it resorts to formula so quickly.With everything tied up in a bow by the end, chances are you’ll be left feeling like the DJ’s packed up and gone home early.

Verdict: Not quite the romcom revolution it wants to be – (500) Days Of Summer teased humour from heartbreak more effectively – but still a gag-filled chuckler with talent to spare. 3/5

Via Total Film

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14 November, 2012 · 1:55 pm

My Brother The Devil (2012)

Simultaneously burying and rejuvenating a dying genre, My Brother The Devil has done for languid London gangster films what Daniel Craig did for Bond. Measured, grubby, brutal as hell, Sally El Hosaini’s city-set drama knows that it’s playing in the same paddling pool as dross like Adulthood, and it isn’t afraid to stick up a finger as it strides off into tantalising new territory.

There’s a lot at stake in My Brother The Devil. Rashid (James Floyd) is a British Arab who’s spent his days prowling Hackney with a gang of equally direction-less youths. Just as Rashid decides he wants out, though, younger brother Mo (Fady Elsayed) is nosing his way into that same flick-knife world of drugs, cold cash and doomed trysts.

It sounds like exactly the kind of film that MBTD wants to distance itself from, and that’s what makes it pop. A firecracker of a mid-point twist sets up an unexpected number of challenges for audiences and characters. Meanwhile, the performances are riveting, intense but never earnest. Plan B may have created a blistering edict on London life with his film iLL Manors, but Hosaini (who won Best British Newcomer at the London Film Festival) has a more reliable voice. My Brother The Devil paints a portrait of London that’s as unforgiving and realistic as you’re ever likely to see. 4/5

Via Grolsch Film Works

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23 October, 2012 · 1:39 pm

Chronicle (2012)

Following on from the likes of Kick-Ass and Christopher Nolan’s Bat trilogy, Chronicle not only made superheroes (and, pivotally, supervillains) thrillingly plausible, it also did so without any silly costumes, A-list stars or – most impressively – wheelbarrows of cash (its budget: just $12m). That alone should earn the film our respect. Chronicle is more than an ambitious indie super-film, though. With its likeable characters and measured approach, it’s a human drama that slogs you right where it hurts.

Which isn’t bad for a film that capitalises on a dying fad – found footage – and makes it feel as vital and immediate as it ever was. Because for all its impressive action scenes – and they are impressive, not least the blockbuster climax – Chronicle never loses sight of the three guys at its core, all of whom react differently to their newfound superpowers. Of them all, Dane DeHaan smirks then seethes admirably, both updating the Carrie formula for a new generation and creating an intriguingly complex lead.

Word is that a sequel’s already being fast-tracked, but Chronicle doesn’t need one. It’s a perfectly self-contained contemporary tragedy with mysteries that should be left unsolved, and one of the best superhero films out there. Which, in today’s crowded market, is really quite something. 4/5

Via Grolsch Film Works

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14 October, 2012 · 10:15 am

Book review: The Pretty Gentleman (Max Fincher, 2012)

ImageThe Pretty Gentleman is a fantastic read. Painstakingly researched and beautiful in its evocations of a bygone era, its tale of passion, corruption and vengeance grips from the first page to the last.

As a Londoner myself, I found the insight into the city’s oppressive past both riveting and shocking. The secret happenings at The White Swan and the Royal Academy of Arts reveal a time when being different – in this case, homosexual – was the ultimate taboo. The suffocating setting lends Max Fincher’s novel a stifling, uneasy atmosphere – not least because much of what happens is grounded in fact.

The Pretty Gentleman isn’t just a work of fine historical drama, though. At its heart it’s a simple story about a young man with a modern outlook on life that clashes with the restrictive norms of 19th century society. George is a flawed, fascinating hero who you can’t help but root for. And in the harsh 1800s, his fate is never a sure thing.

Max Fincher has written a gripping historical thriller. Beautifully written, twanging with tension right from the beginning and containing some fascinating musings on art as a reflection of our own humanity, it’s a smart, addictive read. I can’t wait to see what he does next.

Find out more about The Pretty Gentleman at Amazon

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